This is a story from a chapter with stories that explore the Reflections, the Entanglement, between helpers and helpees.
Near the end of my marriage, as I was about to start a new life with Mary, I encountered three therapists, all illustrating the Reflections between therapist and patient. While at least two of the three were very professional, it was still not possible for them to stop their own biases from showing through in therapy.
The first therapist was Z, recommended to me by Mary. Z saw me as a horribly constrained and pained individual. She met with my ex-wife and saw her as the constraining force. Her therapy encouraged me to learn to be free. While she didn’t say so directly, it was clear that I could improve my mental health by leaving the constraints of the marriage with my ex-wife.
This is a message I wanted to hear. This is the message Mary wanted me to hear. It turns out Z had gotten divorced herself in her forties, affirming her own independence. My case clearly reinforced her life decisions.
My ex-wife, not happy with that outcome, wanted to try another therapist and found J. He was an excellent counselor who provided me with many valuable insights, but a very different person from Z. Unlike the informal mess at Z’s, J’s home, where he met his patients, was immaculate. He explored all sides of the issues, but when pressed talked about the values of arranged marriages, the love that comes from years of commitment, and the problems of simple infatuation.
While not directly saying so, it was clear that, to him, marriage was commitment and work and the more rewarding course in my life would come from working on the marriage. This too was a message I wanted to hear—it was the other side of my indecision. It was the message my ex-wife wanted me to hear.
After one of the sessions, I caught a glimpse of J and his wife, and in that glimpse saw a cold and formal relationship. Just as Z was reaffirming her life decisions, it seemed J was reaffirming his. I opted to listen to Z and follow my heart.
After the separation, my ex-wife and daughter were going to another therapist, E, whom I also went to a few times. We had a lot of trouble getting together. We both missed sessions. When a patient misses a session it usually indicates they didn’t want to go, and I admit that, but what about when the therapist misses the sessions? She didn’t want to see me either.
When we finally connected she told me outright that the problems in many relationships were entirely due to narcissistic men like myself. She is counseling my ex-wife and I’m sure that message is well received.
The three therapists I had seen all gave me insights I needed, and helped me understand myself. That is, I needed to understand the three aspects of relationships at the time of the breakup of the marriage—love which comes from hard work and dedication, love which comes from the heart, and the grief caused by narcissistic behavior.
It should be clear at this point that the inner self is not always a simple place. It is just as complex as the external reality we live in. Oftentimes our reality will include conflicting messages, but these conflicting messages are themselves a perfect Reflection of what is happening inside. In this case three different therapists were all part of my reality, each reflecting different aspects of my inner conflicts, as I was part of theirs, presenting issues that they were dealing with themselves.