Available from the author direct, if you live in Shelburne Falls, or from Amazon: Human Entanglement and The Spiritual Core
Here’s an excerpt from an introductory chapter of the book.
Reflection Hypothesis
—Joseph Campbell on Schopenhauer said:
“[The 19th C German philosopher Arthur] Schopenhauer points out that when you reach an advanced age and look back over your lifetime, it can seem to have had a consistent order and plan, as though composed by some novelist. Events that when they occurred had seemed accidental and of little moment turn out to have been indispensable factors in the composition of a consistent plot.“
I write this introductory chapter as I cross the decade boundary into my 80s. Schopenhauer is right. Looking back, it all seems to have followed a plan, from Russia’s 1957 launch of the Sputnik satellite that inspired the creation of an accelerated high school electronics program, in which I was enrolled, to my sitting here today as a technical writer trying to craft logical explanations of the magic behind it all.
There were the people, just as he says. Like in 1969 when my future wife Ann wound up walking over the same bridge as I, at the precise time that would change both our lives. In the late 1980s I was trying to make it on my own outside the corporate world, and was running out of money when Peter, an old colleague I hadn’t heard from for years, called out of the blue with an offer to hire me on a contract basis writing for James Martin, the most famous computer author of the day. In the mid 1990s, we were struggling to get a new small company going and had created a $100 product and advertised it in the magazines of the day. We only got one response, from Fred, an Army Colonel, who didn’t want the product but rather to hire us for some long term government work that launched the company on its way.
There are many more individuals who played key roles at key junctures of my life, critical to the transitions from one chapter to the next.
And incidents, large and small. Like I once had to do a small job at work involving an obscure technology, and later that experience was crucial in making a major career change. That small incident rippled though my entire professional life.
Finding a doctor taking new patients is difficult in Western Massachusetts, and I had a medical issue that needed attending. Pretty discouraged, I was walking around town when a dog on a leash bit me, not bad, but the human on the other end was, yes, the perfect doctor, who, because of that incident, took me on as a patient.
I’ve had so many such incidents in my life that it simply didn’t make logical sense to my logical mind that these illogical events were just coincidence. And so this book.
—Yogi Berra said:
“That’s too coincidental to be a coincidence”
Three Therapists
This is from a section in the book part way through that explores the connections between those who provide help and those who receive it.
Entangled Therapists and Clients
In my early 40s, near the end of my marriage, as I was about to start a new life with Mary, and shortly after I moved out I encountered three therapists, all illustrating the Entanglement between therapist and patient. While at least two of the three were very professional, it was still not possible for them to stop their own issues from showing through in therapy.
The first therapist was Z, recommended to me by Mary. Z saw me as a horribly constrained and pained individual. She met with my ex-wife and saw her as a constraining force. Her therapy encouraged me to learn to be free. While she didn’t say so directly, it was clear that I could improve my mental health by leaving the constraints of the marriage with my ex-wife.
This is a message I wanted to hear. This is the message Mary wanted me to hear. It turns out that for Z, this was what had worked in her life as she had gotten divorced in her forties to affirm her own independence. My case clearly reinforced her life decisions.
My ex-wife, not happy with that outcome, wanted to try another therapist and found J. He was an excellent counselor who provided me with many valuable insights, but a very different person from Z. Unlike the informal mess at Z’s, J’s home, where he met his patients, was immaculate. He explored all the issues, but when pressed talked about the values of arranged marriages, the love that comes from years of commitment, and the problems of simple infatuation.
While not directly saying so, it was clear that, to him, marriage was commitment and work and the more rewarding course in my life would come from working on the marriage. This too was a message I wanted to hear—it was the other side of my indecision. It was the message my ex-wife wanted me to hear.
After one of the sessions, I caught a glimpse of J and his wife, and in that glimpse saw a cold and formal relationship. Just as Z was reaffirming her life decisions, it seemed J was reaffirming his. I opted to listen to Z and follow my heart.
After the separation, my ex-wife and daughter were going to another therapist, E, whom I also went to a few times. We had a lot of trouble getting together. We both missed sessions. When a patient misses a session it usually indicates they didn’t want to go, and I admit that, but what about when the therapist misses the sessions? She didn’t want to see me either.
When we finally connected she told me outright that the problems in many relationships were entirely due to narcissistic men like myself. She is counseling my ex-wife and I’m sure that message is well received.
The three therapists I had seen all gave me insights I needed, and helped me understand myself. That is, I needed to understand the three aspects of relationships at the time of the breakup of the marriage—love which comes from hard work and dedication, love which comes from the heart, and the grief caused by narcissistic behavior.